


There's an art to life's distraction

by Captain_Aurinko



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Aliases, Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Juno and Peter are competent, M/M, Train Heist, Undercover as Married, Vaguely Season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:49:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23068768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Aurinko/pseuds/Captain_Aurinko
Summary: Peter stood sharply. “Don’t you ‘Honey’ me. This honeymoon is the first time we’ve spent together in months, and you’ve used it to make eyes at the train’s other passengers. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how much time you spent with your personal trainer.” Juno raised an eyebrow at the introduction of a fictional mistress to the story.OrJuno and Peter go on a heist, and an alias gets blown. Fortunately, they know how to cause a distraction.
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 99
Kudos: 430





	1. Chapter 1

Ch 1

“How many hours before we’re within comms range of the station? I’ve had about enough of trains to last a lifetime.” Peter folded the newspaper he was reading and watched as Juno nursed his cup of coffee.

“Now, now. Just because our first journey by train ended… dramatically, doesn’t mean that this one will too. We’ve already grabbed what we came here for, and the entire plan has gone off without a hitch. No one will even check the vault until we’re miles away in the back of the Ruby 7. Relax, Juno. All that we need do now is sit back and enjoy the view.” Juno grunted, but Peter was well versed enough in Juno’s moods by now to be able to tell a grunt of acknowledgement between a grunt of dissatisfaction. This one was somewhere in the middle.

Peter turned to look out the window. Really, he didn’t know why Juno was complaining. The train was one of the most luxurious ways to travel between planets that money could buy, and from the dining car where they were sitting, they could see countless constellations. Peter had come to quietly enjoy showing off the marvels of the cosmos to Juno, who had more than once been struck dumb with wonder at the galaxy that he’d seen so little of. Anyone who knew Juno would know that getting him to shut up was quite a feat. Peter prided himself on being one of the few people in the galaxy that could do it regularly. 

He turned away from the window just in time to see a tense pair of guards and nervous little porter coming up behind Juno. Peter watched Juno’s hand drift to the gun stored in his suit jacket, before he apparently thought better of the movement and pasted a politely confused, honey-moon smile on his face.

He and Juno were disguised as newlyweds, after all.

The porter clasped and unclasped his hands nervously. “Mr. Anansi Sultan, could you please come with us please? It involves the security of this train.” 

Peter’s mind raced. Juno’s cover had been blown. Again. But how? After their short-lived fiasco as the Roses, Peter had taken precautions in instructing Rita to make their aliases look as legitimate as possible, to the point of rerouting any facial identification software to categorize Juno as Anansi Sultan, the heir to a modest mega-corp on Venus. With Rita’s help, the chances of Juno being recognized were next to nil.

Juno was clearly thinking along similar lines. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“No, but we’d like to ask you a few questions privately, if that’s all right.” Other patrons of the dining car were starting to look over at them.

“Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of my husband.” Juno reached out and grabbed Peter’s hand. Peter fought back the giddiness that he felt whenever Juno showed him affection, then thought better of it and let the emotion show on his face. They were newlyweds after all, and who would expect the loving couple to be the thieves the train staff was after?

“If you insist,” The porter said, nodding to the two guards, who moved to stand behind Peter. “Mr. Anansi, were you aware of your husband’s criminal activities aboard this train?”

The guards behind Peter tensed, as if preparing for him to run, but he hardly noticed. They were onto… Peter? But that was impossible. He was the thief without a name. No one caught him, except for Juno. Distantly, he was aware that Juno’s conversation with the porter was ongoing. 

“Criminal- what? We’re here on our honeymoon. The only crime he’s ever committed is hogging the blankets.”

“I know this may come as a shock to you, sir, but we have evidence. He was caught in the act.”

“What evidence? You haven’t even told me what he’s been accused of yet. I hope you’re laughing now, because when this turns out to be nothing, I'm suing for libel. Do you really want to make the Sultan family your enemies?”

The porter paled slightly but resolutely pulled up a video on his comms, clearly showing Peter sneaking into the vault, and lifting the gem that they’d come to steal. Peter could only watch in horror as a camera that he hadn’t noticed captured his every pore and follicle as he made off with the jewel. He would need to destroy that footage if he wanted to retain his anonymity, assuming of course that it hadn’t been broadcast to every police station in the galaxy already. His stomach lurched at the thought, and he filed it away for future consideration. They would cross that bridge when they came to it. 

People were definitely staring now. Every eye in the room was focused on them, though a few were polite enough to hide their stares behind newpapers or comms. 

As for Juno, his eyes were fixed on the screen, face focused. Juno was an open book on his most mysterious of days. As much as he tried to hide his thoughts, they came pouring out through his face and actions.

And so, it unnerved Peter not to understand what exactly it was that Juno was calculating. 

The car quieted in greedy anticipation as Juno stood, stepped over to Peter, and slapped him loudly across the face. The patrons of the dining car murmured at the slap, which had sounded much louder than it had actually hurt.

Once again, the guards behind Peter tensed, but he stayed where he was. Juno had chosen to lead this dance, and Peter couldn’t move until he knew which steps to fall in line with. 

The porter hadn’t expected the slap any more than Peter had, and raised his arms placatingly. “Mr. Sultan, please. If we could just take this somewhere more private-”

“You used me!” Juno shouted. 

Peter understood where Juno was leading. “Now dear, I know you’re upset, please, but can we talk about this privately?”

Juno ignored him, as any good raging spouse would. “Is this why you wanted to come on this trip? To steal a gem? You’ve been talking about coming here since before we even got engaged. I- oh god, is that why you married me?” The dramatic silence that had filled the dining car moments ago was now replaced by the stage whispers of the patrons, commenting on the drama.

“Dear, Please, you’re being irrational. Don’t jump to any rash conclusions-”

“Rash conclusions?  _ Rash conclusions _ ? Honey, what sort of conclusions am I supposed to jump to when I see this!” Juno grabbed the porter’s comms out of his hands and thrust it in Peter’s face. As he did so, he accidentally hit the delete button on the footage. Or perhaps not so accidentally. Buddy had been forcing Rita to give Juno lessons in technology a few times each week. They might finally have been paying off. 

Too fast for anyone but Peter to notice, Juno’s lip quirked upwards. Well, that was interesting. Juno was enjoying their little drama. Peter had the sudden, irrational desire to get Juno to smile again.

Peter stood sharply. “Don’t you  _ ‘Honey’ _ me. This honeymoon is the first time we’ve spent together in months, and you’ve used it to make eyes at the train’s other passengers. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how much time you spent with your personal trainer.” Juno raised an eyebrow at the introduction of a fictional mistress to the story. 

“Well, apparently, I would have better off with her, seeing as how the man I actually married turned out to be a common conman.” Peter exhaled sharply. A common conman? He knew Juno was only doing it for the act, but since Peter had actually been caught, it still stung. 

“Better a working man than an airheaded heiress. You’re so dependent on the staff that you can’t even pick clothes off the floor on your own. ” The fact that Juno left his clothes everywhere was a long-standing source of argument between them, sparked by Juno’s habitual depression and Peter’s need to grab everything and leave at the drop of a hat. 

Juno shot him a fondly irritated look and continued dramatically. “You only wanted me for my money, didn’t you? You promised that you were different from all the others, but here we are. This whole marriage was a con for you, and just when things were finally starting to get better for us, you had to throw it all away with this stupid gem heist. Don’t you understand? You could have anything you asked for at my side. Why would you throw it all away?”

Peter leveled a haughty, dramatic stare at him. “Very well, do you want the truth? I never loved you. Every moment we’ve spent together has led me to this moment, to achieve my ultimate goal… stealing the Menaiad Gem. Every gold-flavored wine-tasting I took you too, every time I cut a starving employee’s benefits to save you money, every charity auction to buy high-heels for dogs- it was all for my own gain. In truth... I _despise_ you.“ Watching Juno fight to keep a grin off his face was almost enough to make Peter break character himself.

Juno tugged the gaudy wedding ring off his finger and threw it in Peter’s face. “Fine, then. I don’t need to take this from you.” He turned away, wiping imaginary tears from his dry eye. The guards seemed to finally remember themselves, and they grabbed Peter’s arms and began steering him towards the door. With horror, Peter realized that he still had the gem on him, as well as his lockpicks. He turned to Juno and mouthed  _ pockets. _

Juno let out a dramatic sob and threw his arms around Peter, dipping his hands into his coat pockets, then his pants pockets, and finally into his coat’s inside pockets, as the guards tried to pull Juno off of him. “Break out and wipe the security cameras,” Juno whispered. “I’ll distract everyone and make sure there aren’t any other copies.”

The guard wrestled them apart and as Peter was escorted off, he could hear Juno arguing loudly with the Porter. “He can’t leave me!” Juno kept insisting. “I’m Anansi Sultan, no one leaves me!”

Peter fought a smile off his face. No one could cause a scene like Juno.


	2. Chapter 2

After Peter had been searched, threatened, and locked in a small carriage compartment, he waited five minutes and pulled himself up into the ceiling through an air duct. Honestly, he’d been in petting zoos that were more secure. As was his standard procedure, he’d memorized the blueprints of the train days ago, so it was no trouble to crawl through the maze of pipes and wiring and insulation that kept the passengers safe during their flight until he reached the security car. He dropped from the ceiling, roundly knocked the guards unconscious, and started going over the security footage. 

He’d barely pulled up the previous day’s footage, however, when one particular screen caught his attention. It was Juno, sitting in the dining car, being fawned over by the customers who had seen their little show. He was dabbing his eye with a handkerchief and giving the performance of his life as the jilted lover of a criminal mastermind. 

Peter’s first thought was that their escape might be made more difficult by all of the attention that Juno had brought on them. His second thought was that Juno looked very, very handsome while manipulating dozens of obscenely-rich socialites. 

His third thought was that one of those socialites was far too close to Juno for comfort. As he began running through the system protocols to wipe all of the footage on the train, he turned on the volume for that camera.

“... can’t believe that I ever fell for his act.” Juno was saying. “And to think- he was a common criminal all this time.” The train’s patron’s nodded sympathetically. The porter hovered at a distance, clearly still waiting to question Juno alone, but unable to interrupt such a large group of customers. 

The socialite closest to Juno, a man wearing a garish purple suit, leaned in close. Even from the poor quality security camera, Peter could tell the man was drunk. “Absolutely tragic. It wasn’t your fault of course. We’ll believe anything when we’re lonely.” He gave Juno a poor attempt at a wink. 

Juno’s eyes widened. Peter’s was torn between jealousy and fondness as he watched Juno realize that he was being hit on. Every so often, Juno’s obliviousness worked in his favor. 

“How did you two meet, anyways?” asked one woman, not nearly as drunk as Juno’s suitor. 

“I- uh. It was- at an auction. Real high end stuff. Nova Zolotovna, ya know?”

“Didn’t she get robbed?” A third person chimed in. “What if the thief was your husband?”

“Yeah, I heard about that too,” the woman chimed in. Juno tugged at his collar. 

“If it was him, I guess my next invite is gonna get lost in the mail. But hey, that’s for the authorities to figure out, isn’t it?” 

Peter knew that lying wasn’t exactly Juno’s forte. One liners? Juno was a wonder. Fistfights? He was a goddess of blood and bruises. Emotional intimacy? Well, he was probably better than Peter, at any rate. But Juno tended to get lost quickly in which of his lies led where. Mentally, Peter started to create an escape plan in case things went south before he could finish deleting the footage. 

“Tragic,” Juno’s suitor said again. “Awful that you had to find out this way. I just- just want you to know. We’re here for you. All of us. And me.” He put a hand on Juno’s knee and Peter realized a moment later that he had stood up and pulled out a knife. Sheepishly, he sat.

“Thanks,” Juno said awkwardly. Then, addressing the rest of the crowd, he added “You know, you’ve all been really supportive of me and I can’t thank you enough. It’s just so hard, finding out that the person you love most-” Peter’s heart briefly leapt in the air to hear Juno say he loved him, even if it was only in character. “-has been keeping secrets from you that could tear your life apart. I wish there was something I could do to show you all how much this means to me. I’ll- I’ll buy each and every one of you a drink. In fact, the drinks are on me until we reach the station.”

After a few weak protests about his gratitude being unnecessary, the socialites swarmed the bar. Juno turned to the porter and guards, still stationed at the door. “What, can’t you drink on duty?” Peter blinked and grinned a fox’s smile as he realized Juno’s game.

The porter smiled thinly. “Thank you for your generosity, but as an employee I-” Juno waved a bottle at him temptingly. Hesitantly, the porter took it.

Thirty minutes later, the atmosphere of the dining car had lightened considerably. “So you’re sure that the footage is safe-” Juno was asking the porter, who had, to his credit, drained two bottles of wine by himself.

“Mm positive,” The porter slurred. “I made copies. See….” He reached under his shirt and pulled out a thumb drive on a chain. “Nice’n’safe. Safe’n’happy.”

“Yeah. And that’s the only copy?” Juno’s suitor fell against his shoulder, unconscious. Juno shoved him off as the porter nodded. 

“Don’t worry. ‘M gonna guard it with my life.” 

Juno pulled the chain off over the man’s head, pocketed the drive, and replaced the thumb drive with a drink. “Here, trade.” He glanced up at the cameras, before leaving the car. Peter had finished deleting the footage ten minutes ago, but with nothing better to do, he’d stayed and watched as Juno socialized in the way he’d grown up socializing: getting drunk with strangers.

Peter made a quick stop at their compartment to grab their bags (no point in leaving behind any evidence they didn’t have to) and made his way to Juno, who was waiting near the exit doors. 

A smile flickered on Juno’s face as Peter stepped inside. “Hey,” He said in his soft, scratchy voice. The one he only used when they were in private. “Did you escape alright? Are the cameras disabled?”

“Of course. Those cameras won’t be recording anything ever again. I learned that trick from your terrifying secretary. ” Peter handed Juno a bag. “I watched your entire performance. Well done. I was sure they were about to start weeping in sympathy.” 

Juno snorted. “Maybe after the tenth bottle was opened. Did you get a load of that one guy who kept hitting on me? I spent ten minutes talking to that guy, and after seven I was coming up with plans to get away from him if he got down on one knee. No wonder that guy’s single.”

“Well, they say there’s someone out there for everyone,” Peter said mildly.

He neglected to mention the number of times he’d considered throwing Juno’s drunken suitor off of the train, or how close he’d come to acting on that impulse. Several times, he’d had his hand on the doorknob before forcing himself to go back to the computers. It was Nureyev that Juno cared about, he had to remind himself. It was Nureyev that Juno gave his shy, flickering smiles to. 

Juno was giving him one right now. “The only person I’ve ever met that was crazy enough for that guy was Zolotovna, and I don’t think the universe would survive the two of them getting hitched.”

“Well, I’d say you managed through alright. Getting them all drunk? Offering to pay on a tab that doesn’t even exist? It did have style.”

“I wasn’t sure it would work, honestly, but a guy as uptight as that porter: he had to have some kind of vice. The alcohol happened to be there, and well...” he shrugged. “Everything else was sort of a coincidence.”

“I happen to remember that it was a coincidence that we met in the first place.”

“You make it sound like a meet-cute from one of Rita’s favorite streams.”

“Wasn’t it?”

“It was a murder investigation.”

“Semantics.”

Juno shifted his bag to his other hand. Peter glanced at him. It wasn’t like Juno to quit bantering so easily. “Something wrong, detective?”

“Not a detective.”

“Something wrong, husband dear?”

“Not that, either.”

“Something wrong-”

“Okay, enough. Jeez. I don’t even want to hear what you’re going to come up with next.” Peter chuckled. “I just- about earlier.”

“What part?”

“The- hitting you thing.” Peter felt his heart choked with fondness. 

“Oh dear, is that what you’re worried about?”

“I just want you to know that I wouldn’t, alright? I wouldn’t- I know I can be mean sometimes but I swear I was just trying to sell the-”

Peter kissed him. It felt like time was slowing down, but as Peter pulled away, he realized it wasn’t time, but the train, that was coming to a halt.

“It’s alright. I know it was part of the act. Juno, within hours of knowing me, you took a sociopath’s spiked torture-fist to the arm to keep me safe. People I’ve known for decades wouldn’t have done that for me. Granted, now I know that you likely did that as a way to hurt yourself rather than protect me, but-”

“Nureyev, I-”

“-but I still know that you could never intentionally hit anyone who didn’t have it coming. As I may have told you before, your moral outrage is one of your most attractive qualities.”

Juno leaned his head against Nureyev’s chest, drawing the strength he needed to get back to the Carte Blanche. “Nureyev?” 

“Hmm?”

“Thanks.” Peter kissed the top of his head and Juno took a shaky breath. Peter had debated wearing a different cologne this mission, in order to keep his presence innocuous. Now, he was glad he’d caved and gone with the one that Juno had once told him he’d liked, back when they’d been nothing more than a secret agent and a local P.I, assigned to work a case together. The doors opened and they stepped apart. Juno took the thumb drive out of his pocket, dropped on the ground, and crushed it beneath his foot. “Yeah, we’re good to go.” Juno let his fingers brush over Peter’s. “Let’s find Jet. I’m ready to go home.”

Peter pocketed the destroyed thumb drive, just for good measure, followed Juno out onto the platform, and reconnected his comms. “Jet?”

“I’m parked three rows down.” The big man said through the tiny speaker. “Did the mission go as planned?”

“It couldn’t have gone better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I heard that everyone was feral for more Jupeter content after the latest episode. 
> 
> I come to deliver. 
> 
> Give me comments. And like Kudos too but 90% comments. Validate me.

**Author's Note:**

> Hhh I think I got this idea from a discord server months ago, and it's been stewing in my brain ever since. It's the only short idea I have, but I needed a break in between my royalty fic and my other AU ideas so here it is. I wrote this after getting home from work at 11 Pm and finished the first chapter at 1 AM and now I'm posting it with 1 hour before I go to work for another 7 hours but I have no regrets. 
> 
> For the sake of my dying, overworked brain, please hit me with those sweet comments and kudos.
> 
> There will maybe be another chapter tomorrow morning, maybe not, but there will be another chapter at some point.


End file.
